Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse versus The Chakat FAQ, by Bernard Doove. Please open the document in a secondary window and follow along.


For today's rant, I have a case study on the effects of drug and alcohol abuse.

Alright check it... right click the following link and click "open in new window" so you have the page to reference.

Chakat

Alright. Listen up, first off if you happen to BE this braindead shit, I have a free speech right here in America. I realize you do too, but people as stupid as you SHOULDN'T.

Now that I have that out of the way, I'll dismember this trash line for line, so let's crack open the link in a new window and go to work. Word.

Physiology, this is a class I am taking now. I have lab in it. While I am not a physiology major, I feel more qualified than this person to speak on it. First off... what in all nine hells does temperature have to do with fur color? I'll be ignoring the mammoth LEAP of biology that dictates their fur color. Ever see "The Exorcist"? There was this little girl who could twist her head all the way around and see behind her. MUCH LIKE the Chakat's rotating "Barbie-doll" waist. Not much more I have to say about turning around to reach every part of your 480lbs. feline body easily, other than *Snap Crackle Pop* yo. Also, the picture is apparently wrong, because according to their hearing range, they should have RABBIT EARS. Apparently the eyes can see color in very low light. They can see very clearly any color that is a shade of black or white. Apparently surface-area of the nose has to do with how well you can smell. I have an uncle who has a HUGE schnoz... can't smell for a damn. I guess my uncle and I are the real assholes here. Here we go... the breasts are not fatty, but more fibrous and spongy... like human skeletal muscle. That's exactly what I'd picture if I was thinking of "attractive breasts." "Uh... your breasts feel like my obliques." The breasts also carry fluid, like a camel's hump... they can live off of that fluid if parched. The side effects of drinking this magical tit-milk listed are also similar what you would have if you mixed NyQuil, Pepto Bismol, and Gatorade. Yummy. Also these hermaphroditic FERTILE creatures have both male and female organs, however no testosterone or estrogen, instead they have a magical CKF, which mysteriously sounds like a Kentucky Fried Chicken daily special to me. Their VERY aerodynamic bodies (right, sure. a big friggin' L) can apparently leap several meters effortlessly. It then tells us about their opposable thumbs... ON THEIR FEET... monkey cat people with super magic breast milk... their thin tails can support at least 400lbs. of weight... amazing for an animal that is essentially half human and half cat... with a healthy dose of APE thrown in. Moving right along, apparently the addition of more stomachs allow you to digest "almost anything"... feed a cow something nasty, I don't care what... a chunk of metal... an Ebola-laced biscuit... I guarantee that cow's FOUR stomachs get FUCKED up. And cows have twice as many stomachs as these things. Okay, okay... maybe there's still some sense in this, some salvageable shred of... LUNGS CONTROLLING SPEECH!?!?!? What about a voice box??? Larynx, pharynx, THROAT... the manipulation of fibers in your throat by the passing of air... LUNGS BREATHE IN AND OUT... voice is in the throat. maybe slightly lower. A word about hearts... there's a thing called an elephant. It's MUCH bigger and stronger with MUCH more muscle mass, and it has but one heart... a very large muscular heart, yes... but only one all the same. We're ignoring the fact that each heart has a different function, but can also take over for the other heart. Lifting heavy objects is a function for the entire muscle structure... it's carried out through the legs, torso, and arms, not just THE WAIST. If the waist was all that mattered in lifting things, I could probably heft a fuggin bus, because I have a HUGE waist. They can also regenerate, which probably has to do with stem cells that haven't been developed yet, oh wait, this asshole probably hasn't heard of THOSE...

Sexuality. he's right, this IS the interesting part. The entire species is hermaphroditic and bisexual... ignore for a moment the fact that hermaphrodites are neither male nor female, simply having the parts of each gender, and not to MENTION hermaphrodites are all sterile. Did they use the copper or the lead pipes in the "plumbing problems"? These things are also hormonally kept "mentally stable" let me tell you folks, as a psychology major, if I was a human cat-monkey with two pairs of everything in my furking body, I wouldn't be too "psychologically stable" Their birth-control methods are laughable at BEST, nature doesn't work like that, even scientifically created animals are still animals within the bounds of nature, for more reference, pick a Michael Crichton book and read it. Chakats have a pliable muscular ass cavity that serves as a vagina, and also makes it really convenient to say "yeah, I do anal" when auditioning for porn. Not to mention, if they get bored, they can pull a Gay Mr. T and "Rip yo dick off with mah ass, suckah." Babies are also apparently passed through the ass, so really, these things shit out babies. This animal has a feline body with a human penis... I think this makes obvious what these creatures were created for. "Cock-knots" are designed to enhance the chances of conception not based on mental or social traits, but more based on BODY SHAPE. I don't want to get nasty, e-mail me for a more detailed description. They can bang anything. Veritable porn stars of the animal kingdom, I predict they will soon replace dogs and horses in many fetish films.

Sociology. Conveniently they are nudists. Humans are bad because they wear clothes. Fuck you, I love my pants. Family life, yadda yadda, moving along, they are the perfect everything because they are both male AND female... WITHOUT ANY OF THE CORRESPONDING HORMONES. As my mother often says: the parts don't make the gender. And they are completely bisexual in all things, which means they're nice people, they don't really have a team, they're kinda mercenary... and they are VERY confused at orgies. They engage in sex-play with any human, chakat, or other morph, who we all know was a character in X-Men. They also go in violation of nearly every social moray and teach their children how to have sex. Great. Wonderful. They are not atheist... yet they wonder... that actually has a name, it's called agnostic, buy a dictionary. Whoever wrote this compares them to Star Trek level technology...which makes perfect sense since. If you know me, you know what I mean. I'm not launching the Flagship AntiStarTrek today. They pilot starships, which, let's face it, what else are they going to do? Wait staff at Damons Wait no, I think a few of them DO work with me.

Difficulties. This section ain't NEARLY big enough.

Skipping skipping skipping... already covered both male and female, yet hermaphroditic, which is a third thing entirely, not a combination of each. If you put a male and a female in a blender, you do not get a hermaphrodite, you get warm red goo-paste.

History. This is where we find out exactly what fantasy world the author lives on. He actually names it. They were developed in a lab, and then discovered hyperspace after, yes, too much Star Trek, so they all, lucky for us, went off to boldly discover things. They found Chakona, which, oddly enough does NOT appear on any Star Chart, and yes, I own four from four different time periods. They govern Chakona using a very "United Nations" system, only it more closely resembles a Star Wars "Imperial Senate" only even more horribly retarded. They obviously got their catch phrase from the Democratic part, another BIG surprise... (fuggin Liberals... sorry, I'm done) Basically the government is a bit socialist, a bit fascist... and extremely Canadian. Their methods of population control are DECIDEDLY Nazi-esque. The population is AT ALL TIMES policed so that Chakats comprise 50-60% higher than all other beings on the planet. So they are Socialist Fascist Canadian Aryans. I wouldn't be surprised if I came across the phrase "Chakat Power" from here on.

That's all I got for this drivel. Sorry it's so long, it needed to be said. Please, PLEASE come back and read this and tell your friends. warn them of the risks of taking drugs or alcohol, not because of the health risks, but because you might get all shit-faced and messed up, and write something like the Chakat page at 3:00 AM when you think it's funny. Guess what, shithead, it's not funny, it's sad. As I leave, I want you to ponder this one thing: Someone took the time to piece all of that together.

Project Stick is copyright, trademark, and all that fun stuff 2002 by Steven "The crazy one who looks like a reject from an emo band" Sulzer & Jesse "The malicious one that wishes he were Maynard" Rupp. Except Guest Strips. Duh.

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